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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25744798">I'll Have That Drink Now</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Loki_11_13/pseuds/Lady_Loki_11_13'>Lady_Loki_11_13</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Suicide, Torture</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:02:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,217</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25744798</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Loki_11_13/pseuds/Lady_Loki_11_13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
          <p>Another torture Loki fic.<br/>These happen when my life is a bit chaotic and I need clarity.<br/>Loki comes to the rescue.<br/>I have a fair idea where this is going.<br/>As always let me know what you think.</p>
        </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Loki was full of anger and emotionally distraught when he fell from the Bifrost and into the hands of Thanos. </p><p>He was also very young and very naive.</p><p> </p><p>He found out he was adopted after a massive row with Odin.</p><p>The argument was over... well actually... he can't remember what it was over. Obviously something trivial. It always started with something trivial, those arguments.</p><p>But this time... this time... it escalated to the point Loki's heart was ripped out and he was broken.</p><p> </p><p>"I should have just left you there where I found you!" Those were Odin's very words, roared at Loki.<br/>
The young god was screaming back at Odin.</p><p>Then silence fell between them both. Loki stared at Odin. Dumbfounded.</p><p>"W..what?" he whispered, lips quivering, tears flowing.</p><p>"Oh come on!" Odin taunted. "You knew you weren't mine. I thought you had more intelligence."</p><p> </p><p>Everything emerged about Loki's life that day. Everything he had suspected about his life was true. The little stupid things that he thought he only imagined and was too scared to ask about, in case they were true, blew up in his face. </p><p>It cemented his true feelings for his so called father and Odin's feelings toward Loki. Although he did say Loki was his son and he loved him and was only trying to protect him. He could never please Odin. Loki tried everything he could possibly think of, but Odin either ignored him or would laugh at him. Thor on the other hand, Odin adored. 

</p><p>The reasons why he was adopted started to unravel. Who or what he was came to the surface. All sent to make matters even worse. Suddenly he went through every emotion from hurt to anger to fear to heartbreak. 
</p><p> </p><p>He fled to Frigga and cried in her arms. His mother's arms? While she tried her best to comfort him and explain to him her side of the situation. Loki saw through her explanation and left her, really not getting it all any clearer in his mind. </p><p> </p><p>He found sanctuary in the library. No one bothered him there. He had peace and quiet.<br/>
He had learnt enough magic to place a cloaking spell around the place.<br/>
</p><p>He paced up and down muttering to himself before falling to his knees screaming and sobbing. Eventually he fell asleep, exhausted.<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>He woke hungry and thirsty. His head, throbbing. He had to come out. He went to the kitchens to help himself, which he usually did to avoid having to ask the servants for anything. He always suspected the palace staff hated him too. </p><p>But his time alone was short lived.</p><p> </p><p>He tried to avoid everyone, staying in his chambers, going to the kitchens, when he knew no one was there, when he had to eat or at least force himself to eat. But Thor and his friends caught up with him and decided a bit of fun was in order. Thor knew it was wrong, but it was just a bit of teasing as his friends said and he was always led astray by them, who never liked Loki. </p><p>Loki was never a fighter, but he held his own against Thor. They had fought before but this was different. This was only going to end in the worst possible way. And it did. With Thor and Loki hanging off the Bifrost just as Odin intervened. But it was too late. As Loki looked up into the eyes of his father and brother, it was at that very moment he realised his life was a sham and he came from a race of monsters that no one could ever love.</p><p>He made the decision to let go.</p><p>The last thing he heard was Thor cry "No Loki!" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Loki fell and fell and fell. He knew he would eventually stop and stop hard. And when that happened he would die, hopefully and the hurt would end. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He felt it when he stopped. Pain. Then nothing. </p><p>He opened his eyes. </p><p>It was dark. Pitch black. </p><p>He moved and pain shot through his body.</p><p>He gasped... He couldn't open his mouth. He moved his hand to feel what was there.</p><p>Chains rattled! He started panicking! He felt his face. Metal around his mouth! He felt around where he was sitting.</p><p>Cold! Hard! More chains rattled. Was he in a dungeon? </p><p>His wrists were chained. He felt around and found he was attached to another chain which he traced to the wall and he managed to sit up.</p><p>His body ached. He leaned back against the wall and forced his eyes to adjust to the dark. His head throbbed and his back stung against the wall. All he could see was pitch black. All he could hear was silence. He shivered. He was clothed, he felt cloth under his hand. But it was not enough. He was used to the cold, but that's not the point. </p><p> </p><p>He closed his eyes and tried to remember anything. </p><p>He remembers falling, but not from where or where to.</p><p>He knew he had been beaten.</p><p>He felt the pain especially on his back.</p><p>He remembers... Odin....</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Another torture Loki fic.<br/>These happen when my life is a bit chaotic and I need clarity.<br/>Loki comes to the rescue.<br/>I have a fair idea where this is going.<br/>As always let me know what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>... Yes... He remembers Odin...</p><p>His Father...?</p><p>He did this...?</p><p>He didn't know.</p><p> </p><p>Loki tried to remember anything else. He saw a throne. Large and golden. He saw golden hair. Long and flowing. He saw a garden. He smelt... jasmine.... </p><p>His eyes snapped open at that...</p><p>'Mother'... he thought.</p><p>His stomach lurched at the thought. Tears welled up. He whimpered, then quickly felt pathetic.</p><p>'But... Mother.' he thought, just wanting her arms around him. His head in her lap, her fingers threading through his hair, gentle, comforting, safe. Wanted.</p><p>He whimpered. Then blinked away the tears, shaking his head. 'No, no.' he thought. The chains rattled when he wiped the tears away roughly. He shook his head, trying to be strong, but no, the tears flowed. He let them. </p><p> </p><p>He felt exhausted when he stopped crying. His head hurt on top of the pain already there. He closed his eyes, trying to stop thinking those thoughts and dozed on and off, his neck jerking again.</p><p> </p><p>He lay down on the ground. It all becoming too much. </p><p>He was cold. He wrapped his arms around himself, as best as he could with the chains. If he lay still he felt numb. The pain subsided a bit. He tried to summon his magic, but he couldn't.</p><p>He fell asleep.</p><p> </p><p>When he woke, he had no idea of the time of day it was or even if it was night.</p><p>He managed to move himself into a sitting position again and lean against the wall.</p><p>Hours, it seemed, then passed as he slipped in and out of sleep. His thoughts racing. Arguments. Odin. Thor. Mother. 
His head hurt trying to remember. His neck aching. He lay back down.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Someone eventually came.</p><p>He heard heavy footsteps. He jumped, afraid of what was happening.</p><p>They, the guards, he presumed, entered the dungeon. They seemed to rush in. Four of them, crowding him. 
Two of them had lamps which they hung on hooks on the wall. The lamps didn't do much to lighten the dire cell.<br/>
Two of them grabbed the chains around his wrists and dragged him to his feet and removed the chain from the wall.<br/>
They then pulled his hands up above his head and chained him to the ceiling.</p><p>They all looked him up and down with disgust. They smirked at him and shook their heads.</p><p>One of them had a whip in his hand and he taunted Loki with it.<br/>
Loki's eyes went wide with fear and he shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>Odin had decided that Loki's punishment would include whippings on a daily basis for the rest of his life. Of course Loki didn't know this. All Loki knew was he was being tortured. This was the only explanation he had.</p><p> </p><p>The whip was cracked across his back.</p><p>Loki couldn't scream. He had metal around his mouth.</p><p>After the fifth strike, tears fell from his eyes. They all taunted him and laughed at him. </p><p>They all took turns. By the time they were finished, he had been given 20 lashes. After the last one, the guard whispered in his ear. "Odin sends his best."</p><p> </p><p>Blood dripped from his back.<br/>
The pain was incredible.</p><p>Loki was unchained from the ceiling and he collapsed to the floor.</p><p>They left without saying anything more.</p><p>Loki daren't move as he lay on his stomach.</p><p>Odin must hate him, he presumed that much. But he didn't think he would order this.<br/>
If he had done something that merits punishment, what about a trial, he thought, before punishment. He can't remember anything.</p><p> </p><p>He lay there quietly sobbing. 'Why? What did I do?' He thought. 'Please...hear me, please tell me, what did I do? I'm sorry.' No one would hear him. It was just his thoughts in his head. </p><p>He knew he must have done something wrong, but no one told him what and no one let him explain that he knew nothing. Or if they did, he can't remember.</p><p>He eventually fell asleep, exhausted.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He heard heavy footsteps again. He realised he had fallen asleep. He was cold and stiff.</p><p>This time two guards came in. One of them pulled him to his feet and chained him to the ceiling again. This time the mask was ripped from his face.</p><p>He saw the whip, his eyes went wide. "No!" he begged, trying to speak.</p><p>"We want to hear you scream." The one with the whip said.</p><p>Loki tried to move away, but it was futile, the restraints held him.</p><p>The whip cracked across his back. He gasped. </p><p>Loki couldn't scream, he wouldn't scream. Wouldn't give them the satisfaction. </p><p>The whip cracked again.</p><p>"Scream!" the guard shouted in his ear. </p><p>"This will just go on till you do." the guard laughed.</p><p>The whip was cracked again and again and again.</p><p>Loki screamed! "No!" he cried. "S...stop" he choked. "S...stop." he begged, tears blinding his eyes.<br/>
"No more." he whispered, his throat rasping.</p><p>His body was shaking.</p><p>"There we go." the guard said and laughed in his ear. He grabbed Loki's jaw and forced the metal back around his mouth. 
</p><p>He then released the chain and let Loki collapse to the floor.</p><p>The guards left, leaving Loki sobbing on the floor.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Questionable looks from Loki...</p><p>"I'm sorry." I said.<br/>"Okay." he said. "If it helps you get your feelings into perspective."<br/>"Thank you." I said. "It does. "</p><p>Loki always delivers when you need him.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After a while... he didn't know how long it was...</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a while, Loki blocked out the guards. He blocked out being dragged to his feet. He blocked out being whipped.<br/>
They still dragged him to his feet. They still chained him to the ceiling. They still whipped him. </p>
<p>It was awful, they still carried on with the punishment, but Loki stopped struggling, he stopped screaming, he stopped sobbing, he stopped crying.</p>
<p>He didn't stop breathing and his heart didn't stop beating, which is something he longed for in the beginning.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had tried to work out why this was happening. His thoughts went back to Odin again.<br/>
His Father?<br/>
The words went round his head.</p>
<p>'What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?' he begged, hoping Odin would hear.</p>
<p>'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry'. The words went round and round his head, again and again and again. He was just torturing himself mentally too. Odin consumed his thoughts. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But at times his mind would switch off...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now he lay on the cold, hard floor of the dungeon either sleeping or staring at the wall. Most of the time his eyes were closed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He smelt jasmine though...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually the guards got bored. So they left him alone now. Although they gave him the occasional kick, just to be annoying. But it wasn't fun anymore. They knew he wouldn't die, even though he didn't eat or drink any water. Odin's spell saw to that. The guards knew about Odin's spell. </p>
<p>He lay there. Sometimes he tried to move just to ease his suffering, but the pain would shoot through his body. So he lay there... He lay still... And he wished death would take him...</p>
<p>And now and again he smelt jasmine...</p>
<p>Sometimes he saw a garden...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>'Mother?' He thought. He wished he had trusted her more. That was the only reason he cried now, though it was so pitiful that it was just whimpering.<br/>
He smelt jasmine... Tinged with dust... 
Tinged with dirt... Tinged with filth... Tinged with sweat...  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually his mind switched off Frigga. Switched off Odin. Switched off reality. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Frigga was suffering too. She had fallen into a depression, she lost track of how long she had been crying. </p>
<p>She was distraught when Loki fell, she feared her boy was dead. She wouldn't know if he was alive or dead, he fell into the void. Her only thoughts were her child was dead. Those thoughts consumed her daily.<br/>
Odin didn't care and Thor had to be strong and help Mother through her grief.</p>
<p>Her spirit lifted when she heard he was alive and she so much wanted to speak to him and find out why he chose to fall and not trust her and why he tried to attack Midgard.</p>
<p>But the King had forbidden it.</p>
<p>Frigga screamed at Odin. "I need to speak to Loki! He is my son!"</p>
<p>"I have spoken!" he demanded, screaming back at her.<br/>
"You will never see or speak to Loki again!"</p>
<p>That sent Frigga into a further depression.</p>
<p>She tried to reach out to Loki, both with her magic and begging Odin to let her see him, but she couldn't. Odin had made sure of that. He blocked her magic and dismissed her when she begged him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>**********</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Loki heard someone calling. The voice sounded far away, in the distance. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn't know how much time had passed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Loki, Loki. Oh Loki. Oh no, Loki." </p>
<p>'Who was that? Who was Loki?' </p>
<p>"Brother, wake up." </p>
<p>Someone shook him gently. There was a light. The chains rattled. </p>
<p>'No, no, no.' The words went through his head. 'Stop, stop, stop.' </p>
<p>They shook him again. The pain shot through his body. </p>
<p>His eyes snapped open. He tried to breathe, his nostrils flaring. </p>
<p>"It's me, brother, it's Thor."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn't know who it was. They had come to hurt him again. He couldn't work it out. He smelt something familiar, not jasmine this time, but something from a long time ago. </p>
<p>Thor took his cape off and wrapped it around Loki as best as he could. He attempted to lift his brother into his arms.<br/>
The pain shot through his body again. It was too much. He would have screamed if he could have, but the scream came out as a groan. His body went rigid and he passed out and went limp. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thor got a firm hold of him and lifted him up and carried him out of the dungeon. </p>
<p>The guards didn't try to stop him, he had already threatened them with death from Mjolnir. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn't hesitate and went immediately to the Bifrost. He knew where he was going, to the only people who could hopefully help Loki. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course, he may have to beg them for their help...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"Will it get any cheerier?" Loki asks, reading over my shoulder.</p>
<p>"You will have to wait and see." I reply.</p>
<p>Loki just sighs, rolls his eyes and shakes his head.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tony was in the top floor of the Tower when Thor arrived. He was relaxing in his own private living room, which was just below the roof. It was his favourite room with huge windows and amazing views.  </p><p>He had worked ten hours straight in his workshop and was exhausted, though he wasn't going to sleep, he knew that much.</p><p>It may have been two in the morning, but he knew sleep wouldn't come. So he settled on the couch, sprawled out across it, glass in his hand full of warming amber liquid. He was now looking forward to having his senses dulled. </p><p>The bottle on the coffee table had just been freshly opened. He secretly loved a freshly opened bottle. </p><p>The television was on and he flicked through the channels and settled for some mind numbing movie. He lowered the sound, he had to now as he had a tower full of other people, since he said they could stay.</p><p>Steve, who was such an old man. Tony told him every room in the tower was individually soundproofed, but no, Steve and his super soldier hearing could hear the tv in the middle of the night, in another room of the tower. </p><p>So he had Steve, Bucky, Bruce from time to time, though he wasn't here just now. Happy, who still drove everyone, everywhere and organised, well Tony mostly, because everyone else was quite capable of organising themselves. </p><p>He closed his eyes. Glass still in his hand, resting on his stomach. He wasn't going to sleep, but he was going to rest his eyes. Maybe doze a bit.</p><p> </p><p>The next thing he knew there was a loud crash. </p><p>He jumped up off the couch. His drink went everywhere, including some down his front. He mumbled an expletive, as he looked at the mess down his shirt.</p><p>He put the glass down and made his way to the roof to see what had landed. He had a stab at a guess it would be Thor, though why Thor would be here was anyone's guess. </p><p>He was shocked to see the said god standing there carrying something, someone. It was wrapped in red. 'His cape?' he thought. </p><p>Thor fell to his knees. He looked up at Tony.<br/>
"Help him please." Thor pleaded. </p><p>Tony looked down. Pale skin. Black hair.<br/>
"Is this...?" He looked at Thor. "This is Loki?"<br/>
"Yes." Thor said. "Help him please." </p><p>Tony just stared, his eyes wide, his mouth open. The body, Loki, was bloody and filthy. There was something around his mouth. He reached out to touch him just as he appeared to wake up. He must have as he started thrashing.<br/>
Thor tried to hold on tighter, but suddenly, there were arms everywhere. Tony jumped back. And what was that noise. Like the sound of a trapped animal, screaming, but muffled. It was coming from Loki.<br/>
Thor held him tighter, trying to avoid the arms.<br/>
Tony just stared. </p><p>Steve arrived at that point, followed by Bucky.<br/>
He went into his Captain mode immediately and grabbed Loki's arms. Loki's body suddenly lurched upwards, then stilled and collapsed. The noise stopped. </p><p>There was a second of silence. </p><p>Then... "No, no, no. Loki. No! Loki!" Thor exclaimed, as he shook his brother, panicking. </p><p>Steve gathered Loki in his arms and headed down to the medical room in the tower. </p><p>"Tony." he snapped, as he passed the still staring billionaire. </p><p>Tony shook himself out of his daze and followed Steve.<br/>
Bucky helped Thor back to his feet and followed too. </p><p>"Jarvis!" Tony shouted, on the way down. </p><p>"On it Sir." was the AI's reply. </p><p> </p><p>Loki's body couldn't cope with the journey through the Bifrost. And now after collapsing in Thor's arms, Steve noticed he had stopped breathing.<br/>
Odin's magic to keep Loki just alive had stopped now Loki was here on Midgard. So was the spell to keep the metal mask attached to his mouth. </p><p>Steve laid him down in the hallway and gently pulled the metal off his mouth. Everyone stopped and watched. </p><p>Steve started cpr and thankfully Loki responded and started coughing and thrashing again and screaming in terror. </p><p>Steve gathered him together and continued to the medical room.<br/>
Bucky glanced at Tony as if to say watch him, meaning Thor, as he shut the door to the room and left Tony and Thor standing in the hallway and joined Steve to assist him. </p><p>Steve laid Loki on a bed, holding him firmly. Loki's eyes wide with terror, still screaming and thrashing like a wild animal.<br/>
Jarvis directed them to the sedative and Bucky immediately drew up a syringe full and injected a fighting Loki.<br/>
As the sedative took effect Loki slowly stilled on the bed and it went quiet. </p><p>They both stood back and surveyed the damage. </p><p>What a mess. Loki was wrapped in Thor's red cape, but he was definitely naked. He was filthy and covered in dried blood. His hair was matted. He was so thin. He had been beaten and what looked like whip marks criss crossed over his back. He didn't look like the man who had challenged them just over a year ago. </p><p> </p><p>Thor and Tony were listening outside in the hallway.<br/>
It went quiet and Tony turned to Thor. </p><p>"What happened Thor?" Tony asked.<br/>
"He's been punished." He didn't want to say tortured, but really that's what it was.</p><p>"Punished?! Look at him!" Tony shouted "Is this what your punishment consists of? This is torture!"</p><p>Thor shouted back "I didn't know about this until today! I...!" Thor shouted back.</p><p>"Or didn’t care!" Tony spat, cutting him off.

</p><p>Loki wasn't his favourite person in the world but he wouldn't have wished what he saw inflicted on him. </p><p>They shouted insults back and forth until Bucky emerged from the infirmary and told them to shut up. </p><p>Tony and Thor stopped shouting and glared at each other. </p><p>Bucky explained it was going to take several hours to attend to Loki so maybe they should go and wait elsewhere. </p><p>Tony mumbled something and walked away. </p><p>Thor looked at Tony, then looked at Bucky, then looked at Tony again, then headed back to the roof and took off. </p><p>Tony turned back around, looked at Bucky, shocked that Thor would just take off. Bucky shrugged his shoulders.<br/>
Tony turned to walk away again.<br/>
"Tony," Bucky said. "You can come in if you are quiet and willing to help." </p><p>Tony hesitated, thinking, then followed Bucky into the room. </p><p>Steve looked up and looked between them both. </p><p>"Where's Thor?" Steve asked </p><p>"Gone." Bucky replied. "Tony is going to help." </p><p>Steve shook his head. "W...what...?" then decided it was pointless criticising Thor as he had something more important to attend to. </p><p>Tony stood and stared. </p><p>"Tony." Steve said. Tony didn't hear. </p><p>"Tony." Steve said louder. Tony jumped. "Yeah? What?" </p><p>Steve handed him a comb. Tony looked at it, puzzled. </p><p>Steve then took his arm and directed him to the head of the bed and showed Tony how to comb out Loki's matted hair.<br/>
Tony looked at Steve with yet another puzzled look and Steve just nodded and gestured for him to start. </p><p>Tony shrugged his shoulders and started. </p><p>He must admit it kept him busy, as he sat on a stool.</p><p> </p><p>He realised he lost himself in Loki's hair as he combed out the tangles. Steve placed a bowl of warm water with a flannel in it beside him so he could clean it too. Some knots were so bad he had to cut them out.</p><p>Loki's hair was jet black, almost blue black, raven if you wanted to be poetic. He smiled to himself.<br/>
The contrast between his black hair and his pale, porcelain skin was dramatic. He smiled for a second time at his attempt to be poetic again. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It took Steve and Bucky over three hours to attend to Loki.<br/>
They cleaned him up and Jarvis directed them with the medical needs.</p><p>Loki was now on a drip and sedated. He had a broken wrist which was straightforward to set, although would probably need further surgery.  He also had a few broken ribs and his back was crisscrossed with whip marks plus an abundance of cuts and bruises. </p><p>Tony had finally finished too and Loki's hair was free of knots and smelling fresher. </p><p>Steve and Bucky left to get something to eat and drink. </p><p>Tony decided to stay and sit with Loki. He was nervous, having just glanced from time to time while the two soldiers worked and only leaving the room when they took x-rays. </p><p>He stepped away and washed his hands, glancing nervously back at Loki. </p><p>He tentatively walked back towards the bed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He had experienced Loki first hand. Majestic and strong. Strong enough to pick him up with one hand and throw him through a window. </p><p>He shuddered again at the thought, but really, he had admired the strength. </p><p> </p><p>He remembers when Loki had sauntered into his tower, full of sass and confidence, but graceful and elegant. He remembers the beauty of Loki which was of something higher. Ethereal and celestial. He was a god. Definitely.</p><p>The man lying here was a shell. Eyes sunken, dark circles. His hair had been dull, matted, but was now cleaner and smoother, thanks to his work. He could see through the thin blanket that was covering him up to his waist that the young god was half the man he had encountered the day he threw him from his top floor. He was lying on his side. Steve didn't want any pressure on his back. It was obvious he had been beaten. Or whipped if you want to be more specific. Tony was looking at his face but the welts crept around his body toward his front. Blue, red, purple welts scored across pale, once flawless skin.</p><p> </p><p>One in particular across his face reaching as far as one of his eyes. Was Loki blinded in that eye he wondered. How much pain would that alone be? How could someone do this?</p><p>He was breathing, just. An oxygen mask replacing the mask that was over his mouth when he arrived. </p><p>He dared to touch Loki's hand. It was cool. He was a frost giant after all. Thor had told them about Loki's background. His nails were still a bit dirty. The veins were raised, like his hand should have been warm. The needle that Steve had inserted, punctured the vein for whatever was flowing through it.<br/>
The pain relief. The sedative. </p><p>For some reason he thought it would be cold, like marble. That was another thing about Loki. He could have been a god carved from marble. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't realise he was staring until Steve approached him and made him jump and brought him back to reality. </p><p>He pulled his hand back quickly. He gasped and opened his mouth to speak, but just looked at Steve and shook his head.</p><p>Steve spoke for him... "I know..." he said. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Loki reading over my shoulder again.<br/>"What do you think?" I ask him.<br/>No reply from him, he just gives me a look, then turns and flounces off.<br/>My turn to shake my head and roll my eyes.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>At last an update.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve had decided with help from Bruce and Jarvis that Loki had been sedated long enough. Steve had contacted Bruce a few days after Loki had arrived asking for additional help. </p><p>He protested at first, saying they should hand him over to Shield, but when Steve described Loki's state Bruce backed down. </p><p> </p><p>Steve began to gradually reduce the sedative. It had been a few weeks of nursing their frail patient.<br/>
Thor hadn't come back, so it was up to Steve to decide how to nurse a god from another realm. Loki looked like he was progressing, but he wouldn't really know until he woke up. And they definitely didn't know what his mental state would be like.<br/>
Steve nervously watched.
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Loki woke a day later. The first time he woke he just blinked a few times. He was unfocused and very groggy. He closed his eyes again.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The second time Loki woke. There was light. He looked around, a bit more focused now, but he couldn't work out where he was. He remembers darkness. He couldn't work out why it was light, why everything was white. He must be dreaming. He didn't try to move. He knew if he stayed still he wouldn't feel any pain. He closed his eyes again, then a voice startled him. He opened his eyes.</p><p>"Loki." Steve said, softly. "Loki."<br/>
Loki tried to look towards the voice.<br/>
'Who?' he thought. Steve moved into his line of vision.<br/>
His head didn't hurt when he moved. He waited for the pain to strike as it always did. </p><p>He tried to focus and he didn't recognise the person, but he looked at blue eyes and blonde hair. Steve smiled.<br/>
He remembered blue eyes and blonde hair, but... where from? He didn't know. </p><p>He tried to remember, but he couldn't. He closed his eyes. He was too tired to try and remember. </p><p>He was dreaming again, he must be. Where was the darkness? He remembers darkness.<br/>
Within minutes he was asleep again.<br/>
He fell into a dream of blue eyes and blonde hair. Of comforting touches and gentle words spoken and jasmine.  </p><p> </p><p>Loki slept for the rest of the night. </p><p> </p><p>It was early morning and he started whimpering in his sleep. Steve opened his eyes. He had spent the night sleeping on the couch. He had been awake for a while, but had been content to lie there for a bit longer with his eyes closed. He watched, hoping it would pass and not develop into anything more like a nightmare. </p><p>Bucky came into the room with two coffees in his hands. </p><p>This was new. Loki had never had a nightmare before, but Steve was slowly bringing him out of sedation so it was inevitable.</p><p>Bucky placed the coffees down on the table. Steve sat up on the couch. </p><p>Loki started murmuring. Steve and Bucky looked at each other, trying to make out what he was saying.<br/>
Bucky shook his head and shrugged his shoulders not understanding.</p><p>Loki suddenly started screaming and sat bolt upright, thrashing. </p><p>They both jumped. Steve stood up quickly and both of them rushed to Loki. </p><p>Loki was still asleep, trapped in the nightmare.</p><p>He was chained and being whipped. He couldn't see anything but darkness. </p><p>He suddenly woke up to see Steve and Bucky approach and he needed to get away from them. He tried to escape by crawling to the edge of the bed and trying to climb over the beds safety frame. </p><p>Bucky lunged at the terrified god and grabbed him before he fell.<br/>
He climbed onto the bed and restrained him, wrapping his arm around Loki's waist and pulling him towards himself. He then managed to turn him and grab his flaying arms and trapped them between himself and the terrified young god. </p><p>"Shhh", he said, loud enough for Loki to hear. "Shhh."<br/>
"Loki, Loki, Loki. Shhh, you're okay, you're safe. It was just a nightmare."<br/>
Bucky then started stroking Loki's hair and held him firmly. </p><p>Loki suddenly stopped screaming. He had woken up, but he was still terrified, his breathing erratic. He was shaking and heading towards a panic attack, knowing he was now trapped. </p><p>"Shhh." Bucky said again. "Shhh. You're safe. It was just a nightmare."<br/>
Loki looked at Bucky, listening. He tried to speak, shaking his head. He opened and closed his mouth several times, but no words came out.<br/>
Bucky looked at Loki and smiled. </p><p>Loki stared at Bucky, focusing, searching his face. He opened his mouth again, then closed it, nothing said.<br/>
Bucky smiled. Loki then dropped his head down onto Bucky's chest and closed his eyes, exhausted. He'd lost this fight.<br/>
But... Blue eyes... Mother... The words went through his head. 

</p><p>Bucky and Steve looked at each other.<br/>
Steve gestured for Bucky to keep going. </p><p>Bucky loosened his grip, but still held him and continued stroking the younger man's hair. Loki started crying and mumbling sounds, nothing really coherent, but eventually his breathing slowed down and he fell back to sleep with Bucky's heartbeat under his ear and Bucky's soothing touch and words. Steve placed a blanket over them both. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Loki woke with a start. He jumped, his eyes snapped open, not sure of where he was for a second. </p><p>A voice said "Shh." </p><p>A hand touched his head and stroked his hair. It was comforting, soothing. The voice was strange because it was similar to words he had heard before, but was different. The voice carried on saying "Shh" and "It's okay, you're safe." </p><p> </p><p>He was confused. It was light again.<br/>
Where was the darkness? Where was he? </p><p>He lay quietly trying to work it out. He was lying in someone's arms. It stirred memories in him, but from when he didn't know. </p><p>He realised his mouth was dry and he automatically licked his lips. He gasped and moved his hand to touch his mouth. He felt his breath on his hand. It was gone. The metal around his mouth was gone. </p><p>He was dreaming, he must be, he would wake up eventually and the darkness would be there. They would whip him again. He didn't feel any pain. He knew if he lay still he wouldn't feel any pain. </p><p>He closed his eyes. He was so tired. </p><p>He didn't know where he was. There was a heartbeat under his head. He opened his eyes. </p><p>A heartbeat? It was familiar. He closed his eyes. It was too exhausting trying to remember. He was dreaming. He would wake up soon and they would whip him again. </p><p>He started crying. For what he didn't know. It wasn't even crying, just whimpering. He was so pathetic. He knew there was a reason he should think that but he couldn't remember. </p><p>The hand continued to stroke his head. Gentle fingers threading through his hair. It was so soothing. So familiar...</p><p>Mother...?<br/>
Please don't let them hurt me...</p><p>He drifted off to sleep. 

</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When he next woke he was startled like before, but he was a bit more alert. </p><p>His first thought was, they were going to whip him again. </p><p>He pulled away from the person holding him and tried again to escape, crawling to the edge of the bed and trying to climb over the safety frame as he had done before. </p><p>Bucky grabbed his wrist. The one that was heavily bandaged. Loki flinched.</p><p>He looked back at Bucky with fear in his eyes. </p><p>He now had one hand on the frame and Bucky had his other arm by the wrist.<br/>
Bucky smiled at him. His eyes were kind, Loki noticed. Blue, familiar. </p><p>He looked at his hand on the bed frame. Where was he going?<br/>
He slumped backwards against the pillows and realised he wasn't going anywhere. He was trapped. </p><p>He stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, fearful, shivering.</p><p>Bucky waited to see what Loki would do and it seemed Loki was waiting for whatever Bucky was going to do. </p><p>Nothing happened. It seemed almost farcical. </p><p>Bucky smiled and shook his head, then he leaned over and took Loki's hand off the frame. </p><p>Bucky guided him out of the bed.</p><p>"C'mon kid, let's get you a bath." </p><p>Loki wasn't strong enough to walk so Bucky encouraged him to lean on him and helped him to the bathroom. </p><p>Loki went willingly. </p><p> </p><p>About an hour later the younger man was sitting at the table in the kitchen staring at a bowl of oatmeal and a mug of tea. Bucky sat beside him with exactly the same. </p><p>Bucky got stuck into his. Loki continued to stare at his. </p><p>Bucky knew Loki probably wouldn't eat, but hoped he would at least attempt a mouthful or two.</p><p>Loki though was exhausted now. After getting out of bed, having a bath, his hair washed and putting on clean clothes, though maybe crying throughout the whole process exhausted him.</p><p>Bucky was so patient and kind with him. Loki couldn't believe anyone could be so patient and kind. No-one had ever been kind to him like that, except the memory that kept creeping into his mind. Someone was, a long time ago. A distant memory. There was something familiar about Bucky. But just familiar, not real? He didn't know. </p><p>He felt better, but he also felt pathetic again. He didn't know why he should feel like it, but something deep in the back of his mind told him he should. </p><p> </p><p>So he sat there, staring at the bowl and the mug. He flinched slightly when Bucky reached over and put a spoonful of honey into his mug of tea.<br/>
His eyes filled with tears. How did Bucky know he liked his tea sweet? How did he know? Another memory crept into his head.<br/>
All those things he knew he should know. Memories invading his head.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway it didn't matter as he could hardly keep his eyes open let alone eat. He didn't feel hungry anyway. He continued to stare at the bowl and mug until his eyes closed. His head jerked  forward.<br/>
He didn't notice Bucky move closer to him, but he felt him and the comfort it gave and his head fell sideways onto Bucky's shoulder.</p><p>When Bucky was finished eating he gathered Loki into his arms and put him back to bed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This was the moment Bucky took Loki under his wing.<br/>
Loki wasn't impressed at first. But Bucky wasn't having any nonsense. </p><p>Steve stood back and let Bucky get on with it. If he needed him, he would let him know. </p><p>Steve told Tony Bucky was now in charge of their patient.<br/>
Tony didn't say anything in reply, just smirked and cleared out of the way. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>At last an update. Life is just driving me crazy.</p><p>This chapter drove me crazy too. I couldn't get it right. I'm still not happy with it. I may come back to it again one day.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Loki slept until the following morning when Bucky got him up again and gave him breakfast. He just stared at it like before. Then fell asleep against Bucky's shoulder. And Bucky put him back to bed. </p><p>This went on for a few weeks or so. Bucky persevered and continued the routine. </p><p> </p><p>Loki really wasn't aware of what was going on around him. He really had shut down. </p><p> Eventually though, Loki's magic started coming back to him. The young god began to improve a little physically. Although Bucky really wished he would eat and speak. </p><p>Bucky would sleep on the couch which was near Loki's bed. Sometimes he would see a slight green glow near his fingers when he was asleep.<br/>
Sometimes his body seemed to shimmer golden light. Sometimes he appeared to stop breathing and Bucky would jump up and shake him awake. Loki would wake up and look at Bucky, eyes wide, shocked, then puzzled and questioning, probably wondering why he had been shaken awake, but realising the soldier was near and he was safe and no one would hurt him, he would just fall back to sleep. It was so strange.</p><p> </p><p>That's why he couldn't stay awake for long, Steve figured, like humans recover initially when asleep, Loki was sleeping a lot to recover. Recover his magic. </p><p> </p><p>Some nights were still really bad, full of nightmares. Loki screaming, trembling, full of tears. Clinging onto Bucky. The soldier soothing him.</p><p>Yet when he eventually calmed down and fell asleep exhausted, all his edges softened and he looked so vulnerable, just like a child.</p><p>Bucky still got him up the next morning, despite a night with little sleep. Loki would revolt in the only way he could which was an extremely bad mood and refusing to corporate with Bucky. A few dishes and mugs would end up broken on the floor. Bucky just ignored any tantrum and cleaned up and carried on.</p><p>Loki was always sorry, but he couldn't tell Bucky this. He knew his behaviour was wrong. He didn't know why he knew, but something he remembers from a long time ago told him it was wrong. He would shake his head. Close his eyes, cover his ears with his hands, try to block everything out. He would cry softly to himself, whimpering pathetically, until Bucky put his arms around him and say, "It's okay." Loki would flinch, but he then knew he was forgiven and he would try and pull himself back together again. </p><p>These were the days when Tony and Steve would walk in the kitchen then turn, walk back out again and come back when everything was calmer. </p><p> </p><p>As the days went on Loki slept less and less, as he got stronger. The nightmares faded away. He was able to stay awake longer in the day.</p><p> </p><p>One morning he told Bucky he would rather have bread, toasted, with butter. </p><p>He was really fed up of looking at that bowl of oatmeal. He wanted bread, fresh from the oven, toasted, dripping with butter and maybe some honey. It was sweet in his tea.</p><p>He knew he had eaten it before. One of those strange memories that invaded his head. Now, this memory, since he decided he wanted bread, went round and round his head until he could smell it. Sometimes Tony or Steve would have it and he could smell it for real. </p><p>He realised now that if he wanted it, he was going to have to ask for it.</p><p>The question just came out one day. He'd opened his mouth a few times, but he couldn't make the words come out. But today it happened. He closed his eyes and concentrated. 
His very words were...</p><p>"May..."  he jumped at the sound. It was only a whisper, but he still jumped. He glanced around. He looked at Bucky, puzzled, like he thought Bucky had spoke. Bucky smiled at him, trying to stay calm and not get too excited that the younger man had at last spoke. </p><p>Loki then went back to staring at the oatmeal.</p><p>It was quiet again, then Loki attempted the question again. </p><p>"May... I...  have..." Loki paused again, listening. Did Bucky speak? He didn't know. He didn't look this time. 
There was silence again for a minute. Loki licked his lips, his mouth dry. Bucky waited.</p><p> </p><p>"Bread... please?"</p><p>Bucky looked at him, shocked. Loki had spoke to him. </p><p>Loki just stared at the bowl of oatmeal, probably not realising he had said anything as it had really been a whisper, which took ages for him to say and he'd almost choked the words out. </p><p>But Bucky smiled and delivered it. He toasted the bread, assuming Loki meant toast and spread some butter on it. He was a little thankful for not having to eat two bowls of oatmeal any longer. </p><p> </p><p>At last Loki ate something, though he stared at it for ages first. </p><p>Then Bucky watched as a thin, pale, shaking hand crept towards the plate, picked up the toast and slowly moved it towards his mouth and took a small bite.<br/>
He shook the entire time, but he ate, only half of it, but he ate. He wasn't starving, although he did need to eat and he eventually had started drinking his tea. Bucky was smiling that day. So sips of tea, with honey, because all he did was take a few sips. </p><p>After that time he stayed at the table, still awake, until Bucky moved him to the couch, which he had rearranged so Loki could look out of the windows. </p><p>Jarvis reported the occasion to Tony and Steve. It was a celebration, but not with fanfare.<br/>
Tony was in his workshop. He stopped working, thinking. He then picked up his Starkpad, looked up today's newspaper and made his way upstairs. </p><p>He quietly entered the room, made himself a coffee and sat down on one of the armchairs and started reading aloud the daily newspaper. </p><p>Loki jumped slightly at the sound of another voice, looked around and noticed Bucky, who was sitting beside him on the couch. He looked at him, waiting for the soldier to tell him what to do. Bucky smiled and nodded to him. Loki, realising everything was okay, then went back to staring out of the window. He didn't even glance at Tony. </p><p>Tony read the paper. Loki eventually closed his eyes and fell asleep, leaning against the soldier. Bucky was near, he was safe. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>A few weeks went by with this arrangement. Tony was happy to carry on reading the daily newspaper. Steve sometimes joined them. He worried about there being too many people in the room, but Loki seemed to be coping with them there. </p><p>Tony started adding his own thoughts to the news he was reading. The two soldiers would smile. Trying not to laugh sometimes was no mean feat. </p><p> </p><p>
The three of them would sometimes share idle chat. They were all aware of Loki listening to them. Sometimes they would direct the conversation towards Loki. Loki would sometimes look towards them, but keeping his eyes averted and definitely never giving any of them eye contact.</p><p>Sometimes they would all just sit quietly and watch the birds outside. They were several floors up in the tower, but there was a roof terrace just outside the windows and since Loki had arrived Steve had various potted small trees and plants delivered and arranged out there with bird feeders hanging from the branches. It certainly calmed all of them. Steve also noticed Loki seemed to like the fairy lights he had strung around the terrace. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>After about a month Loki spoke again to Bucky. </p><p> </p><p>After Tony finished with his newspaper he would go back to his workshop. Steve left too. Bucky would always ask Loki what he wanted to do. Loki was always silent. He looked so wrung out by the mornings events that Bucky just left him alone, sitting looking out the windows or curled up on the couch, until the early evening when he would have more toast and butter and hot chocolate, then go to bed. </p><p>"May... may... I...I... have a book please?" was the next thing Loki said to Bucky. </p><p>Loki whispered it. He jumped at the sound and took a while to get the question out, but Bucky heard the question. </p><p>"I'll go and find you one." Bucky replied. </p><p> </p><p>
Bucky got up from the couch and headed for the library. It was on the next floor up. </p><p>He smiled to himself, grateful Tony had a library, though he didn't have one until Steve moved in and Bruce occasionally stayed.</p><p>He reached the room. Yes, it was just a room, a small room, but it was wall to wall bookshelves with a writing desk and couch and armchair near the window.</p><p>He opened the door and looked around.</p><p>"Jarvis?" he asked. "A book for Loki, please? Have you any suggestions?"</p><p>"Sir, there is one on the table I think would be suitable for Mr Loki. It has illustrations and I think he will enjoy it." </p><p>Bucky picked it up and flicked through it. 'Yes, excellent.' he thought.</p><p>"Thank you Jarvis."</p><p>"You're welcome Sir." Jarvis replied.</p><p>Loki had fallen asleep, curled up on the couch, when Bucky got back downstairs. He looked serene as he always did when he was asleep. Bucky slipped the book gently under Loki's arm so he would see it when he woke up. </p><p> </p><p> Bucky decided he'd go to the gym. "Jarvis?" he asked as he stepped into the hallway. "Keep an eye on Loki please." </p><p>"Yes sir, I will." Came the reply. </p><p>Loki woke about twenty minutes later and noticed the book under his arm. </p><p>He sat up and looked at the cover. He smiled at the illustration on the front. He opened it up. It had some words which he understood despite not reading for a long time. But he really liked the illustrations so he concentrated mainly on those. </p><p>"Sir. Loki is awake and reading the book you gave him." Jarvis informed Bucky.<br/>
The soldier smiled and carried on with his workout. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you Jarvis." He replied. "Keep an eye on him please." </p><p>"Yes sir, don't worry I will." </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Loki eventually started speaking more with Bucky. Not a lot of words, but enough to get his point across.<br/>
He spoke about the whippings and the darkness and the loneliness and the pain.<br/>
Bucky listened patiently. He understood everything. 







He would speak with Bucky after breakfast, but only when Tony and Steve weren't in the room. </p><p> </p><p>Loki couldn't remember how he came to be on earth.<br/>
He remembers falling from the Bifrost. He told Bucky he wanted his life to end. He remembers falling through darkness for what seemed like eternity.<br/>
After he stopped falling, he remembers darkness and fire and pain. He didn't know where he was. 


He remembers it as different from the whippings in the dungeons. </p><p>He tried to explain it as something or someone in his head. </p><p> Bucky filled him in on what he did when he was here. Loki cried at the death and destruction. He can't remember any of it.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Loki was not the same. Even from when Thor knew him. Before New York. Before falling from the Bifrost. He told Steve this one night. He just turned up. Steve had filled him in how things were going. How Bucky had taken Loki under his wing. How frightened he was when he woke up. </p><p>Tony was there too, listening quietly. Loki was sleeping. He would find out Thor was here when he woke up. </p><p>Yes, Thor eventually came back. Left Odin. Left Asgard. For now anyway. He wanted to be with his younger brother. Try to make amends. Apologise for all he had done. </p><p>He didn't know Odin had been torturing his son. He thought Loki was in a cell, not allowed to speak to anyone, reflecting on his crimes. He had no idea he was below the city in the dungeons. Thor didn't even know there was dungeons below. When he thinks how stupid he is and how cruel his father is. When he eventually found out, he tried his best to rescue his younger brother.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe he was too late, he didn't know. He had an idea in his mind that he wanted to make amends with his brother. But maybe it was too late. Too late to rebuild their relationship. Too late as Loki was not the same.</p><p> </p>
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